On Fear & Freezing

Photo cred: Finn

When I think about who I would be if I could be anyone in the world, I would want to be Maya Hawke. Maya Hawke is the child of Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke, both actors. She grew up in New York City gardening with her mom, doing watercolors with her dad, wandering around movie sets, and attending a school for the arts until she dropped out to go to Ireland and be in Little Women (2017). 

There was a long time where I mourned my dreary background and lack of artistic opportunities. This wasn’t all time wasted. As dramatic as it sounds I needed to mourn the life I wished I had so I could move on and appreciate the uniqueness of my experiences and the privileges I had. I began to celebrate the life I made and trust that my past self was doing the best she could with what she had. Those choices made me who I am today. Many of the opportunities were options I cultivated myself. The education I have given myself through artistic and intellectual pursuit is priceless. It gives me more confidence than if it had been handed to me. I pursued it all the more enthusiastically. I found ways to bloom where I was planted. Now, I want to be me. 

Here’s what it’s like to be me: I am slow. I am careful. I am detail-oriented. I get distracted easily and my mind wanders. I’ve had to do a lot of jobs that I’ve hated but I’ve met the most wonderful people that way. I’ve learned a host of skills. All of it has informed my art and enriched my life. I have to remind myself of this a lot because I get discouraged going to jobs every day that don’t fit me. It’s hard not to let my ego get damaged when my worth is being held up to standards for a job I don’t even like. 

My partner has been so insightful about my process as we’ve gotten to know each other. He’s been concerned that I hadn’t visited the new tattoo shop down the street. I replied that I had to get a couple paychecks again after going to the tattoo convention. I also talked about the fear of putting myself out there again. He acknowledged how I haven’t had a lot of safety nets. I haven’t had many chances to fail big because I usually have to financially recover from any small failures and deeply consider if even those small chances will be worth investing in. Now, I know I’ll never be homeless because my family would be there for me if I ever ended up in dire straits but I can’t risk being unable to cover my bills again. I tried to tattoo full time and it failed. It was too soon. I didn’t have the clients. I couldn’t manage the marketing. The anxiety of not having a steady paycheck froze me. I lost my confidence and I got the first job I could find in a panic. Instead of using my free time to fully invest in becoming a full time artist I was applying for every job I could. 

In moving to Illinois I was on the job search again and overcame the fear and completed marketing tasks I had been putting off for far too long. Now it’s time for the next step and I find myself freezing up again but hearing my partner validate and explain the source of my fear helped me regain confidence. I am worth investing in. My dreams are important. The only person saying otherwise is me.

XOXO,

SJ